Why Change Is Hard
Every January, millions of people resolve to change, and by February most have given up. They are not weak or lazy. They tried to change too much at once, for reasons that weren’t really theirs, with no plan for the hard days and no one walking with them. Coaching addresses each of those problems.
The Hebrew word for repentance, teshuvah, means “return.” The sages taught that change is not a single leap but a turning, made again and again: each time we stray, we turn back. That is exactly how modern research describes lasting change.
The Stages of Change
In the 1980s the psychologists James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente studied how people quit smoking on their own and found that they passed through predictable stages. Their Transtheoretical Model, also called the Stages of Change, is now used throughout health coaching. Dr. Arloski builds his coaching method on it.
| Stage | What the client is thinking | What the coach does |
|---|---|---|
| Precontemplation | “I don’t have a problem.” Not thinking of changing in the next six months. | Builds trust; listens; offers information with permission; doesn’t push. |
| Contemplation | “Maybe I should… but.” Weighing pros and cons; often stuck for a long time. | Explores both sides; draws out the client’s own reasons for change (Chapter 12). |
| Preparation | “I’m going to.” Planning to act within about a month. | Helps set a vision, goals and a concrete plan. |
| Action | “I’m doing it.” Actively changing, usually for less than six months. | Supports, celebrates, problem-solves, holds accountable. |
| Maintenance | “This is how I live now.” Six months or more. | Helps prevent relapse and keep the change meaningful. |
People move back and forth between the stages, and they can be in different stages for different habits: ready to act on sleep, but nowhere near ready to give up sugar. The biggest coaching mistake is to treat a person in contemplation as if they were ready for action, handing them a plan they will not follow. Meet the client where they are.
The Wellness Vision
Dr. Arloski begins with a wellness vision: a short statement, in the client’s own words, of the health and life they want and why it matters to them. It is written in the present tense, as if it were already true, and it speaks to the heart, not just the numbers.
“I wake up rested and clear-headed. I have the energy to garden, hike with my husband and keep up with my grandchildren. I feel calm in my body and I’m not afraid of my health anymore. I’m strong because I want to be part of my family’s life for a long time.”
A vision answers chayah’s question: what is this for? When the client’s motivation wavers, the coach brings them back to it.
The Wellness Plan
From the vision, client and coach build a wellness plan:
- Two or three goals for the next three months, drawn from the vision. (“Sleep seven to eight hours most nights.”)
- Action steps for this week, small enough to be almost certain. (“Lights out by 10:30 on weeknights; phone charges in the kitchen.”)
- Supports: people, places and tools that make the steps easier.
- Obstacles and plans for them.
SMART goals
Good goals and action steps are SMART:
- Specific: “walk” becomes “walk around the neighborhood after dinner.”
- Measurable: “for 20 minutes.”
- Achievable: the client rates their confidence 7 or higher out of 10.
- Relevant: connected to the client’s vision and values.
- Time-bound: “Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week.”
“Eat healthier” is a wish. “Bring a lunch of leftovers from dinner to work four days this week” is a step.
Building Confidence
The psychologist Albert Bandura called a person’s belief that they can succeed at a specific task self-efficacy, and showed that it predicts whether people change. Self-efficacy grows from four sources:
- Mastery: succeeding at something, even something small. This is the strongest source, and the reason action steps should be small enough to succeed.
- Seeing others succeed, especially people like oneself.
- Encouragement from people the client trusts.
- How the body feels: calm and energy build confidence; stress and exhaustion erode it.
Each week’s small success builds the confidence for the next, slightly larger step.
Habits
Most of daily life runs on habit, the “memorized self” Dr. Dispenza describes (Chapter 6). New habits form more easily when they are:
- Small: two minutes of stretching is a habit; an hour at the gym is a project.
- Anchored to something the client already does: “After I pour my morning tea, I write three things I’m grateful for.”
- Made easy by the environment: walking shoes by the door; water bottle on the desk; no sweets in the house.
- Planned with “if-then” sentences, which the psychologist Peter Gollwitzer called implementation intentions: “If I get home too tired to cook, then I’ll heat the soup I froze on Sunday.” People who plan this way follow through far more often.
- Repeated until they become automatic. Research by Phillippa Lally at University College London found that new daily habits took anywhere from about 18 to 254 days to become automatic, about two months on average. Lasting change is a season, not a week.
Accountability
“Two are better than one… If either of them falls down, one can help the other up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10). Accountability is the bridge between intention and action. It is not policing. It is a promise the client makes to themselves, said out loud to someone who cares.
Accountability in coaching means:
- the client chooses the action and how they will report on it;
- the coach asks about it at the next session, every time;
- successes are celebrated, and missed steps are explored with curiosity, never shame: “What got in the way? What did you learn? What will you change?”;
- the client tracks progress in a way they choose: a journal, a checklist on the fridge, an app, a text to the coach.
Lapse and Relapse
A lapse is a slip: one night of junk food, a missed week of walking. A relapse is a return to the old pattern. Lapses are normal and expected; the goal is to keep a lapse from becoming a relapse. Help the client:
- expect lapses and plan for high-risk situations (holidays, travel, stress, illness);
- treat a slip as information, not proof of failure;
- return quickly to the plan, which is teshuvah in daily life.
The client who says “I blew it, so I might as well quit” needs to hear that every person who has ever changed has slipped along the way.
Start From Strength
Dr. Arloski draws on Appreciative Inquiry and positive psychology: instead of starting with what is wrong, start with what is already working. “Tell me about a time you made a change that lasted. What helped?” “When are your symptoms a little better? What’s different then?” The answers reveal the client’s own strategies, which they are far more likely to use than ours.
A Sample Coaching Cycle
- Session 1: build trust; complete the intake; explore the client’s story across the five levels; begin the wellness vision.
- Session 2: finish the vision; choose two or three three-month goals; choose the first action steps.
- Every following session: review the week, celebrate, learn from obstacles, adjust the steps, choose new ones.
- About every month: look back at the vision and goals; notice how far the client has come.
- Closing: review the whole journey; plan how the client will keep going on their own.