Shema: Listening That Leads to Action
The most important words in Jewish prayer begin with a call to listen: Shema Yisrael, “Hear, O Israel” (Deuteronomy 6:4). In Hebrew, shema means more than hearing sound. It means to listen, to understand and to respond. A person who truly listens is changed by what they hear.
Listening is the first skill of coaching and the one most people think they already have. Most of us listen while preparing what we will say next, judging, or waiting for our turn. A coach learns to listen in a different way, so that the client feels fully heard, often for the first time in a long while. Being deeply heard is itself healing for the ruach.
Three Levels of Listening
The Co-Active coaching model, developed by Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House and their colleagues, describes three levels of listening:
- Internal listening. Your attention is on yourself: your own opinions, memories and advice. “That happened to me too!” “She should just quit that job.” Most everyday conversation happens here.
- Focused listening. Your attention is entirely on the client: their words, their tone, their energy. You forget yourself. Most coaching happens here.
- Global listening. You take in everything: what is said and not said, the body, the pauses, the feeling in the room, what changes when a certain name comes up. You notice that the client’s voice brightens when she talks about painting and flattens when she talks about work.
When you catch yourself at level one, gently come back to the client.
The Skills of Motivational Interviewing
Motivational Interviewing (MI) was developed by the psychologists William Miller and Stephen Rollnick to help people find their own motivation to change. Dr. Arloski calls it one of the foundations of wellness coaching, and the two approaches grew up side by side. MI teaches four core skills, remembered as OARS:
- Open questions invite the client to think and talk: “What would you like to be different?” instead of “Do you want to lose weight?”
- Affirmations name the client’s real strengths and efforts: “You kept walking even in the rain. That took determination.” An affirmation is specific and true, not flattery.
- Reflections say back what you heard, so the client hears it too. A simple reflection repeats or rephrases: “You’re exhausted.” A complex reflection adds the meaning or feeling underneath: “You’re exhausted, and you’re starting to wonder whether anyone notices how much you carry.”
- Summaries gather several things the client has said and hand them back: “So you want more energy, you know sugar in the afternoon is part of the slump, and you’re worried about what your family will say if you change how you cook. Did I miss anything?”
A good coaching conversation has at least two reflections for every question. Reflections keep the client exploring; too many questions in a row feel like an interrogation.
The Righting Reflex
Miller and Rollnick named the strongest temptation of every helper: the righting reflex, the urge to fix, correct and advise. A client says, “I know I should stop drinking soda,” and every part of us wants to explain why soda is harmful. But when we argue for change, the client naturally argues for the other side (“but I need the caffeine”), and hears themselves defending the habit. Change talk that comes from the client’s own mouth is what predicts change.
So the coach resists the righting reflex and asks instead: “What would be good about drinking less soda?” “If you did decide to cut back, how might you do it?”
Change Talk
MI teaches coaches to listen for change talk, the client’s own words in favor of change, and to invite more of it. One way to remember it is DARN CAT:
- Desire: “I want to have more energy.”
- Ability: “I could probably walk at lunch.”
- Reasons: “My kids need me healthy.”
- Need: “I have to do something about my sleep.”
- Commitment: “I will start Monday.”
- Activation: “I’m ready to try.”
- Taking steps: “I bought walking shoes.”
The opposite, sustain talk, defends the status quo: “I’ve tried everything.” When you hear change talk, reflect it and ask for more (“What else?”). When you hear sustain talk, reflect it without arguing (“Part of you is tired of trying”), and the client often answers their own objection.
Powerful Questions
A powerful question is short, open, and points the client toward discovery, choice or action. It usually begins with what or how. It is asked with real curiosity, with no “right answer” hidden in it.
Compare:
- “Don’t you think you should go to bed earlier?” (advice disguised as a question)
- “What gets in the way of the sleep you want?” (powerful)
Avoid “why” questions about a person’s choices (“Why did you skip your walk?”). They sound like blame and invite excuses. “What happened?” or “What made it hard?” asks the same thing without judgment.
Some powerful questions for each stage of a conversation:
Clarifying what the client wants
- What would you like to be different six months from now?
- What would make this session worth your time today?
- If this problem were solved, what would you be doing?
Exploring
- What’s most important to you about this?
- What have you already tried? What worked, even a little?
- What are you not saying?
- What else?
Shifting perspective
- What would you tell your best friend in this situation?
- What would the healthiest version of you do here?
- What is this situation teaching you?
Moving to action
- What’s one small step you could take this week?
- What might get in the way, and what will you do then?
- Who could support you in this?
Scaling Questions
Two MI questions help a client gauge their own readiness:
- Importance: “On a scale of 0 to 10, how important is this change to you right now?”
- Confidence: “On a scale of 0 to 10, how confident are you that you could do it?”
Then ask the key follow-up: “Why a 6 and not a 3?” The client answers with their own reasons for change. “What would it take to move you from 6 to 7?” points to the next step. A confidence below 7 for an action step usually means the step is too big; shrink it.
Silence
After you ask a powerful question, stop talking. Let the silence work. Most new coaches rush to fill a pause with another question or a suggestion, and the client loses the thought just as it was forming. Count slowly to ten in your head if you need to. The answer that comes after a silence is often the most important thing said in the session.
Asking Permission
A holistic coach knows a great deal about the body, food, herbs and toxins, and clients often benefit from that knowledge. Share it the coaching way:
- Ask: “Would you like to hear what I know about that?” or “Some people in your situation find … helpful. Would you like to hear more?”
- Offer: share briefly and plainly, as information, not orders.
- Ask again: “What do you make of that? How might that fit your life?”
Information shared this way stays the client’s to choose. Information pushed on a client is usually resisted.
Listening With the Whole Self
Listening is done with the body as well as the ears. Face the client, keep a relaxed posture, put the phone away, and match your voice to theirs. On a video call, look at the camera when you speak and close other windows. Notice your own reactions too: if you feel suddenly tense, bored or anxious, ask yourself whether you are picking up something the client is feeling.
Finally, listen for the five levels of the soul. A client talking about weight loss may be speaking at the level of nefesh, but listen for the ruach (stress, loneliness, anger), the neshamah (beliefs: “I’ve always been the heavy one”), the chayah (what they want their health for) and the yechidah (what gives them strength). Chapter 15 shows how to bring them together.